I often found myself thinking about those who spent their final days in old-age homes run on charity, perhaps by the generosity of unknown benefactors. I felt angry at those who occupied positions of responsibility yet misused such institutions for their own selfish interests.
I had visited some of those places as well, for various reasons. Seeing the parents of people holding respectable positions in society living there like abandoned souls brought tears to my eyes. At times, I wondered whether trusting one’s own children was a mistake.
The very thought of old-age homes used to fill me with anger. I had never imagined such places existed. Through my friend, I now had the opportunity to see another side of them. Perhaps, then, there was nothing inherently wrong with old-age homes themselves.
I came to a conclusion of my own. If children were unwilling or unable to care for their parents, instead of neglecting them after benefiting from all their sacrifices, they could at least admit them into good old-age homes. After all, rather than feeding thousands in their parents’ names after they passed away, or making large donations to orphanages and old-age homes while publicly displaying their generosity, wouldn’t it be better to use those resources for their parents while they were still alive? I even shared this thought with my husband.
“So, according to you, old-age homes should exist everywhere?” he asked.
“Not exactly,” I replied. “Earlier, just the thought of old-age homes would make me angry. I used to think that if such places didn’t exist, children would have no choice but to keep their parents at home. That perception has changed.”
He said, “Do you know how many people keep their parents at home but fail to provide even basic care? How many subject them to emotional or physical abuse? How many see them merely as unpaid household help? Old-age homes were born because of such situations. Their existence isn’t the problem. The problem lies in how we use them. That’s true of everything in life. Every problem eventually finds a solution, but human beings somehow create a hundred new problems around that solution and misuse it.”
I did not argue further. His words made sense, and I quietly accepted them.
After reaching home, I began discussing my thoughts and dilemmas about old-age homes with my daughter-in-law. I narrated the conversation I had had with my friend and said,
“Imagine that. Everything is fine for her, yet she says she wants to stay there.”
“If that is what she wants, why are you upset?” my daughter-in-law replied. “Let her son and daughter-in-law live peacefully too.”
I immediately responded,
“So, in your opinion, it’s difficult to live peacefully with mothers-in-law? I never expected you to say something like that. If all of us had thought the way you do…”
Before I could finish, she interrupted.
“Oh no, that’s not what I meant. She left on her own, didn’t she? Even when they repeatedly requested her to return, she refused. Why should we trouble ourselves endlessly over a matter she has already decided? You’re only upsetting yourself. Come, have some tea and rest for a while.”
She brought me a cup of tea.
To be honest, my mood had already been spoiled. I picked up a book and sat down, but my mind was elsewhere. I began wondering whether these problems would even exist if joint families were still common.
As I reflected on the joint families I had known, many women came to mind. There was Lalitha, who treated everyone equally and selflessly. There was Rajitha, who always set something aside for her husband and children. There was Niveditha, who won the affection of everyone through her service and care. Mamatha was there. Savitha was there, despite having a husband and children who seemed absent from her life. Kavitha was there, having lost everyone she loved.
No matter how much jealousy, anger, or resentment existed, among so many women there was always at least one who would show compassion when another was in distress. Even if there was a Manthara among them, there was still food on the table twice a day. Beyond that, women of that era expected little.
But times have changed.
Today’s woman desires equality with men in every sphere. In truth, women always worked equally hard, but their efforts were rarely acknowledged. As modernity progressed, aspirations grew. Women began desiring independent identities and lives of their own.
Would the traditional joint family encourage such aspirations? Even if it did, there would always be some who supported talent and encouraged achievement. At the same time, there would be others who could not bear to see someone else accomplish what they themselves could not. They would obstruct rather than support.
When I thought about discrimination, power struggles, selfishness, and inequality, the idea of a nuclear family seemed preferable.
Then again, weren’t nuclear families one of the reasons old-age homes existed in the first place?
My tea had done nothing to clear my mind. Instead, my thoughts had become even more tangled. I sat there holding the same book without turning a single page.
My daughter-in-law noticed and said,
“Enough reading. I’ve been watching you. You haven’t turned a single page all this time. By now, you should have finished that book and put it aside. It’s time for your television serial. Come out.”
I replied,
“Every serial is the same. A family of twenty-five or thirty-five people living under one roof, with thousands of quarrels between them. Everyone has someone to love and someone to marry. I don’t want to watch any of it.”
My daughter-in-law, who rarely spoke much, finally opened up.
“You always tell everyone that when we spend time with negative people, we must remain positive ourselves. Otherwise, their negativity affects us. Yet you go there, bring back unnecessary worries, and then start doubting your husband, your son, and your daughter-in-law. Instead of returning home feeling unsettled, perhaps it’s better not to go there at all.
The saying ‘Every mother-in-law has her time, and every daughter-in-law has hers’ is not just a proverb. When the time comes for your daughter-in-law to become a mother-in-law herself, she too deserves the chance to live her life. After all, she left everything behind and came to this house believing it to be her own.
Wasn’t every mother-in-law once a daughter-in-law herself?
If someone had a difficult mother-in-law, shouldn’t she choose kindness when she becomes one?
There’s another saying: If you treat your daughter-in-law like a daughter today, she will become a daughter to you in your old age. It doesn’t mean you should make her suffer because you once suffered.
Old-age homes are often the result of our own attitudes. We adjust with strangers on the road, on buses, and in public places. If someone insults us unnecessarily, we often stay silent to avoid conflict. If we can tolerate strangers, why can’t mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law show a little patience toward each other at home?
When food is not prepared well elsewhere, we quietly eat it without complaint. Why can’t we do the same at home on an occasional bad day?
A daughter-in-law who worries about hurting her own mother should remember that her mother-in-law is also someone’s mother. Likewise, every mother-in-law should remember that she too was once a daughter-in-law.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying this specifically about you. But ever since you began visiting your friend, your thoughts have been consumed by old-age homes. You’ve become obsessed with finding reasons for their existence. The reasons are simple: people’s attitudes and the way they choose to think.”
If she continued speaking much longer, I feared she might start occupying the role of a mother-in-law herself! So I quickly laughed and said,
“Yes, yes, I had already thought about all that myself. You didn’t have to tell me.”
With that single sentence, I not only secured my position but also ensured the conversation went no further in that direction.
In the end, I felt that before changing others, we must first correct ourselves and become better human beings. Every member of a family contributes, in one way or another, to situations that lead to such outcomes. It is not something that can be blamed solely on elders, youngsters, men, or women. All of us share a part of the responsibility.
Veena Shanbhogue
Translation and Preservation by Sumanth Shanbhogue for Shanbhogue Publications
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